Holly Candy! I missed my Christmas night out!!!

Yep, I did it again! Last year I missed the Christmas work lunch and this year I missed the whole Christmas night out. I was really disappointed as I had all the intentions of going and having a good time. But the last few years has seen a change in the wind with regards formal office parties. What had once been fun events have turned into terrible contrivances and since my new job at the Revenue and Customs Department, it would appear that circumstances beyond my control have conspired to make me miss out on it all together! OK, If there is a Will there is always a Way... but somehow it just does not work out. The writing was on the wall, it could be said, for over a year and although I might fancy that there is some dialectic force compelling me to screw up such simple office parties, the pattern can be traced far into the past. So, if you will be patient, I shall outline a potted history regards my woeful Christmas party experiences and hopefully this will paint some excuse as to why I missed, what is for many, a happy excuse to get drunk and fondle each other.

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The office party, especially the Christmas Office Party, is a well known tradition in the Modern World. It offers a huge opportunity to get fired, blackmail your boss and get charged with sexual harassment. But despite all the assaults (sexual or other wise), it is still a cherished tradition along side buying overly expensive gifts, getting suicidal over the Christmas turkey and spending an evening with relatives you loath with every fiber of your being. Why do we do it? The same question can be asked of American Slavery, Blood sports and the sacrifice of children to pagan gods. It was something that made sense at the time but with a shift in paradigm, we look back at it differently. The same can be said of "office parties". It is something that we do.... esprit decor!

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It has been said that I like a good drink, a good laugh and to goof off. Thus it would appear that I am predisposed to a good office party. When I was an undergraduate , the last two years had a departmental “wine and cheese” event in which I would get very drunk, fall into bushes, and possibly be involved in some rather dubious activities that I shall leave up to your imagination. At the end of the year there would also be a number of parties whose sole purpose was to make as much noise, drink all the liquids available and tell each other why you hated the course, the faculty and make up all manner of poisonous gossip about your fellows. It was heady days and a few pictures survive of me throwing up in a toilet, getting pushed into the street and trying to chat up some people WAY out of my league. But that is what undergraduates do and I would like to think that I was at least good at that. So when I found myself in the real world with a “real” job, it was at first a bit difficult fitting into the routine. Despite all the forms and university policy, it was generally accepted that you would miss tutorials and taken as read that you would not attend that many morning lectures either. Perhaps there was a time when students were more formally constricted but if that were the case, I have seen little evidence of it today. But after a few “hiccups”, I got into the swing of things at work. You turned up on time, did your business and got paid at the end of the month. But then came my first Christmas party! Holy Cow, that was an eye opener. In fact I soon became quite excited by the notion of an "office party", especially the Christmas Night out. So it comes as a strange turn of events the last few years. I don't think I have turned into a curmudgeon but it looks like it.

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My first proper office party came with my second job after university. My previous job was part time and that fitted into my classes and carried on for about six months after I graduated. As a "home help", I looked after people as part of their respite care and after I graduated I had just two people still on my books. After they had gone, I moved on. My new job was just awful and was with a company that hired out staff and services to hotels. I didn't last that long there and I don't put it on my C.V either although I wasn't fired or anything bad like that. At that time my boss was this grey portly guy who drove an expensive car and smoked large stinky cigars almost all the time. He was a walking caricature and he was universally disliked. Bigotry and boasting was his forte and he would bring his blonde air head girlfriend into the office and together they would make snide comments about anyone who wasn’t within ear shot. Even his daughter, who thankfully didn’t look at all like him, was quite open about her distain for him although she was only 17 or 18 at the time. But despite that, when it came to Christmas he really pushed the boat out. At first I thought this was his way of showing he wasn’t such a bad guy after all and that he appreciated the work we had done but it soon became apparent that he was actually showing off his largess and all through the party he acted like some Victorian charity handing out bread to the riff raff. Fortunately he left before the serious drinking had started, I would learn later that this was because previously people had started to tell him what they really thought of him with harsh words, obscene gestures and threats of violence. I am still sorry that I missed that! But it was a memorable night out… what I can remember that is. After that I made an effort to get a proper job but one with any clear career prospects was never forthcoming. The result was that I seemed stuck on a continuous holding pattern of entry-level jobs that went no where. If there was an upshot it was that my fellow workers were students, newly graduated or a coterie of interesting and aging disgracefully “drop outs”, all of whom I naturally got on well with. Thus the office parties were familiar fantastic affairs and some of these guys and galls had incredible stories to tell. There was one old “teddy boy” with LOVE and HATE tattooed onto his knuckles and wore an Elvis quaff that seemed varnished into his died black hair. He had been in Jail, his only son had died of an overdose while visiting him and he had been in the army. That is what I mean by “life experience” and talking to characters like that just showed how lifeless ones own existence had been so far. So you took another swig of grog, brushed yourself off and wobbled to the dance floor and curse all who got in your way! Woo Hoo!

The mechanics of the “office party” are a strange one and are definitely not as simple as it may at first seem. You work with someone over a period of time, you get to know their habits, character and you may even get to like them. When I was an office temp for a brief stint where all the workers were well groomed to the point of decorous soigné. I hated every minute and was in a dark mood from when I walked through the stain free glass doors in the morning to when I exited that evening. Part of this was because all my near neighbours were modishly dressed and I doubt that any of them ever farted, suffered a black head or pimple and most likely never deigned to swear. Sure they were polite and hard working but they had all the character of an electric kettle and were as deep as a kids paddling pool. They also had an annoying habit of playing “Friends”, that popular television comedy programme. Each one had their favourite character or quote and they would play this out during the tea break or when they passed each other en route to the water cooler. I’m sure they must have gone diabetic with all the saccharine that pervaded the work environment.

But observing them, I became aware of the pantomime that was going on. These were not androids or idiot savants! They had desires, grudges and dark impulses but all where subsumed beneath a thin veneer or office decorum. One smart guy liked to tell slightly racist jokes but only to me. Was he trying to provoke me, to sound me out or was he trying to prove his superiority in a game of counting “coo”. I didn’t bite but annoyingly he took that as submission. One other occasion is burned into my mind and happened after I left the office temp business; I saw C_ walking along but she failed to recognise me, I had put on about a stone in weight and had grown a beard, but she was unmistakable. It was raining and she was very wet. Her long red hair hung lank down her face and she was hugging herself for warmth. It looked like she had been crying and was very miserable. I called out but she looked right through me as if I was not there and shuffled off along street and through the grey cold rain of Autumn. We never know our work mates. You can spend a life time shuffling papers and complaining about the work load but you never see beneath the facade and if you are honest, nor would you ever want to. They are not your friends and they are not tied to you by any social quality other than you go to the same place to work. It's like trying to befriend someone who waits at the same bus stop as yourself; its just not done. There are office romances and some office friendships but I think that is due either to pure animal magnetism or by some other OUTSIDE contributory factor. Being "just" workmates is just that. I don't mean to be so "down" but I think it is delusional to expect something more from co-workers if all you share is the same work address. But I would like to think I get on with a lot of people at work and an "office party" is a nice gesture never the less.

WHAT has this got to do with Christmas night outs and Office parties. Essentially for a few years, I had a wonderful time revelling with all the other bodies. But now I started to experience an ennui as I noticed that in this bacchanalia was a destruction of self, be it in drink, sex or by shared group “experience”, that reinforced ones submission of self to the group. The full exploitation of the individual in our society was not only the economic slavery to commodities via a popularist consumerism but also the erosion of individuality by the culture of excess. I found myself in the eye of the storm. You want to loose yourself in the cacophony but the price is always too high. Fortunately ennui won the day. What was closer or easiest won the day. I am no revolutionary, I'm stuck in the flood but rather than swim against the tide, I try and grasp at the weeds and flotsam that comes my way. Living so close to campus means that the “wine and cheese” party wins over the drunken invasion of Manchester or a trip to Amsterdam. Boring, certainly!

Two years ago was the first “bad” office party. I had already made my mind to jump ship but I hadn’t told anyone. The last one was held at a bowling rink and had started off all right until something happened between my sister and my then bosses girlfriend. I was in the difficult position of knowing my bosses previous girlfriend as well as another one he had met during a “pause” in his current relationship. So I was unsure how much any of the women knew so I kept to my own council and remained polite, if a little formal. But then I was an employee and it was not my place to do otherwise. So we all went off to some cr*ppy club my boss really liked. My sister was under firm instruction not to attend as I didn’t want any problems this time round. Unfortunately a part time French Jewess (that’s how she described herself to everyone by way of introduction) decided to have a “chat” with the girlfriend and the result was a very uncomfortable “scene” that involved drink and a pair of car keys being thrown at me… I would be fated to be hit again when, a few months later, I came across this girlfriend vandalizing my bosses car. Anyway I wished my sister had attended, if only so she would have glassed someone so I could make good my escape from the club and out the country. I quit three months later but the boss and his crazy girlfriend are still an item. Go figure!

Last year was my first Christmas party with the Civil Service and I was expecting great things! I had two bad Christmas parties, so I assumed I must be due for a good one. I arrived early, four hours early, and sat at the bar nursing a gin and tonic. I had thought there would be a few bodies already there but I was alone. On my second drink, I found I was at the wrong party and walked to the hotel at the end of the road. Peeking through the window, I saw it was also empty so I decided to walk home and come back later. As I reached the Meadows, I bumped into A_ who had just studying for some Sports injury and rehabilitation course. I was never sure what it was exactly. Anyway he was with a small group and they were going to the pub for a quick lunch and so I joined them. It was a nice crowd and I hadn’t seen A_ for almost a year and a half since we took a Summer job over at the University Halls of Residence. There was a French girl who found my pronunciation of her language uproariously funny and we decided to make an evening of it. But after awhile I thought it best to go and join my work group and either try and combine the two or else try and find A_ and his friends later. My singularly bad habit is that I am forever forgetting my mobile phone number so I wrote down their numbers and bid them adieu. When I found my office co-workers, they had finished their lunch and after lunch drinking and dancing. The plan was to go off to some other venue and so I tagged along… only to end up going to some god forsaken Sports bar where everyone decided to go online and play “hot or not” or Google raunchy flash cartoons al night. The hard core “titty bar” brigade had already fled to the nearest lap dancer place and so I was stuck with a small group of people drinking themselves stupid. In the end it all fell apart rather quickly and to top it all off, I lost my numbers! I have never seen A_ or that charming girl again and the next day I was really pi*sed off with the whole “office party” business.

This year was going to be different. Strangely I found I could cherry pick from some of the groups or niches in the building but I chose none of them. It had become apparent to me that many of the people I talked to didn't actually like me. But this didnt bother me as I had a life outside work and had already met up with a few people from my previous jobs as well as fellow students, but I don’t think that could be classed as an “office do”. There was a small event over at the Student Union but I only know a handful of students since I’m not an undergraduate or part of a large group undertaking a taught course. And there is nothing so vulgar than a hoard of drunken sods aged approximately 18 to 24 and puking in every direction. So once again it was a small informal gathering but it still bashed my liver a wee bit. I’m no longer welcome at my last employers “office” party as his girlfriend thinks I’m some sort of sex pest who provokes her 40 something boyfriend into picking up East European lap dancers. I’m innocent! In fact I could site a grievance as I almost got beaten up the last time I went to the “stripy” with him and that was a few years ago!

Hence I was looking forward to sharing a few "bevies" with my new group. I'm still fairly new so they don't know of any of my bad habits yet.

I am in a new work group in my office and this is composed of about eleven people including a new Front Line Manager. The group is quite mixed with some full time people and some part timers like myself. I think I've been there a few months now but only working a couple of days a week means that I'm not that well known in the group. So I was hoping that the night out would "break the ice" and help me fit in better. Or that was the original idea anyway. Anyway I chose to forgo the Christmas meal as I had already had meals out as mentioned before and this was a new group so I didn’t see the point. Instead I would go to the “night out” and planned to meet everyone around three. I left the office and was going to leave my stuff at a friends but no one answered the door. So I walked home, dropped my stuff and had a quick shower. There was a cheque that came through the post and so I went to the bank…. BIG MISTAKE. They close for the weekend and are grossly inefficient and slow. The small office was crammed with business folk depositing their takings for the week and it seemed most of the bank staff were doing some review so there was only one till open. I could have decided to leave it but it would be Wednesday before I could hand it in and it takes three days to clear. What a rigmarole! While I was waiting I noticed my old boss and afterwards he wanted to talk to me about something. I wont mention it here but WHAT!!!! I’m surprised his girlfriend hasn’t done a Bobbitt on him. It was now five and there were missed calls and messages. I knew a few had already left as “oz” wasn’t going to hang about and the others said they were going to leave at five anyway. So I made my way to the Haymarket as I knew some students who usually go down there with the idea of hopefully meeting up with a few of my co-workers. Last New Year I ended up playing “catch up” with a few people and missing everyone and getting thoroughly pis*ed off. So this time I thought to wait at the centre and wait for them to come to me. Big mistake as I hardly know them and they chose to either stay at CARGO or went to the Cowmarket. So I had a few drinks, stayed within my budget and got home about oneish. So not bad but not an “office” party. Perhaps it is fate or perhaps I need a new office? I feel bad that I had not managed to meet up with my co-workers but I don't think I was missed much. If I am to be blamed, then it was that I did not turn up rather than I did not participate. A sad indictment of the "office party" philosophy. Hopefully no one will be offended especially as this was just an office party and a small one at that.

So what next? Well I think I will have to plan something. I'm way too passive when it comes to work related events and so things tend to be out of my control. I must try harder. That which does not kill us, makes us STRONGER.

Oh, boy!

Holy Crud! I forgot about my late Library books!!!

Some of you might remember my previous posts lamenting my library fines and my many futile complaints about hostile or maladroit librarians who get between me and the archives, books or manuscripts I desire. Certainly I have been in Libraries so long that I have become somewhat complacent, even cavalier with my actions and activities with them.

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With the words of the august Britney Spears in my mind; oops, I did it again. Yes, it was only a month ago that I lamented to anyone who would hear me about my £25 library charge with an extra £12 fine to clear the account. Sure I took out way too many text books, hadn't bothered to scan or photocopy the relevant articles and had left them to gather dust on my shelf... but despite the fact that I hadn't bothered even to check their due dates on-line, I somehow felt that I didn't deserve such a punishment. I'm a researcher after all, we're supposed to keep books and hoard stuff. Yet despite the debit to my wallet, something I can ill afford, I go and do the crime all over again. Can't wait to see the supercilious face of the head librarian as I come back to hand over even more cash. At this rate (and it is looking like a pattern is forming here) I should ask for the new library wing to be named in my (dis)honour.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"

Anyway, here I am again. This isn't even the second time either but part of a repetitive track record of late library fines and dealing with asinine library staff. What happened this time is that I can't renew on-line as the fine is over £15 but I cant make it in until next Wednesday. The fine is temporarily frozen but when I pay it, it automatically adds on the time difference so I'll have to pay almost a weeks worth of fines! Only a week - well we are talking of over 20 books and texts here. Why does this keep happening. I don't think I'm stupid or beleaguered by some philia for library hi jinks. Perhaps it is in the blood? My sister once was fined somewhere in the £100's mark when she temporarily absconded with some precious book from the School of Oriental and African studies a number of years back. I'm bad, but not THAT bad. Still all these £20 pound notes are adding up over the year.

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Although I do not believe in "New Year Resolutions", I have promised myself that this is the last library violation I am going to make or at least the ones that are easily avoided with a modicum of foresight! Must try harder as my old report cards used to say. Let this be the last library fine especially as it is so easy to renew online!!!! So it goes.

07/01/2007

Just an addendum to the above. My assertion that I would not incur another library fine lasted just a week into the new year. I have just paid £42 in fines. Essentially I forgot that I had a few short loan books so when I went to renew the lot online, I found I had incurred library fines. There had already been a fine of £10 in the system which I had decided to pay the next time I was in the library. Then I decided to return my library books and pay the fine BUT I forgot that the library closed early on the 22nd. Add a few more feeble excuses and you have me trying to renew the books this morning. Oh dear!

When I arrived at the library there was a small group of studious "swats" in the reading room and a few fresh faced bodies wandering around. It was generally quiet and the weekend librarian staff where on. Generally they are very good natured, despite working on a Sunday, although some I rarely see so they may be part time workers. Anyway I walked up and handed over my library card sheepishly.

Essentially I am of the opinion that my public demeanour is good and that I come off as a friendly sort of chap. In most cases I can get on with strangers and often get on the good side of people when talking to them. Unfortunately if I run into a "jobsworth", or a "I hate that I have to serve YOU" type, I am generally sunk as my good friendly banter quickly gear shifts into a passive supplicant that only brings out the worse in such types. In fact I have meekly put up with some frankly rude (if not abusive) people in my time. I rarely complain and try to remain friendly even in the face of incompetence. Its a very bad character flaw that has caused a fair bit of bother. The fact is that bullies often crumple when someone bites back but redouble their efforts if you wilt or appear meek before them.

Fortunately this time the librarian was nice and we got to chatting about things. It must have been a slow day for her. Anyway she gave me all manner of options, including just paying £1 to unfreeze my account, but I opted to pay the whole whack. It was I who failed to renew the books, it was I who failed to come in earlier and it was I who knew how these fines can easily ratchet up in a short stretch of time. The full fine was £43.90 but she said £42 would be alright.

So will this bee my last infraction? I hope so as these bites out of my wallet are slowly mounting up! Fingers crossed.