impressions - IMVU Insanity.

I have always wondered if there is some point in a persons life when they know they are about to go over a line over which there is no return? Does a binge drinker know that if he goes to that pub, he'll now be an alcoholic? Did Howard Hughes pause just before he put on his first pair of tissue box slippers and wonder where it would all go? Probably not. Life and life choices are never so simple or so clinical.

But I asked myself this just before signing up for a free guest account on the IMVU web site. It is a fairly new instant messaging (I.M) service with a very extensive array of accessories for your graphic avatar. I was already a closet fan of "The Sims 2" so it seemed quite familiar. Previously I had avoided OKCupid (save for the time wasting and pointless tests) and MYSPACE because there was nothing there that attracted me. I'm not the sort who felt comfortable chatting anonymously via my computer to some stranger. Yet after I had finished my IMVU avatar, I instinctively clicked the "CHAT NOW" button and was instantly immersed in the surreal world of I.M babble. Old maps once had warnings of "Beware Dragons", well IMVU has that and a hell of a lot more.

Now, those who know me will probably be shaking your heads at this point. I am aware that this sounds very sad. I.M is often seen as the domain of sad gits, just the same way as confirmed bachelor means gay. I'm not quite sure about that but I think we should set as side our preconceived notions and see how it pans out.Let me start this by saying that I came to this juncture following two very innocent paths;

• The need to find a reliable chat or Internet talk provider.
• A recent BBC Radio 4 talk show on the emergence of Internet currency.

I should mention that my Dad is abroad and travels around a lot - often to countries and places with heavy Internet or bandwidth restrictions so Internet phones are sporadic at best. The result is that we often have to fall back on I.M services. I am not comfortable with Yahoo and MSN is too plebeian for my tastes so that's out as well. The result is Google Talk but I am always got an eye out for other providers. Just now I'm experimenting with VSO chat. So when I saw that IMVU was in beta testing (I was a beta tester for Windows XP), I could not resist. Well that's my excuse.

There was also the fact that a few days earlier there was a BBC radio program on the development of on-line and virtual industries on the Internet. They noted that although the bubble broke some time ago as regards the heady days of Internet based investment, that there was still a lot of money to be made, such as the sale of YOUTUBE to Google. But that there is also a growing trade in Internet goods and services that are not strictly real and were inhabiting a gray area as regards corporate law or traditional business practices. They mentioned the curious tale of World of Warcraft on-line virtual markets and even the possibility of virtual stock markets for virtual currencies. A google search brought me to IMVU - it wasn't the one that was mentioned but I liked the look of it and decided to investigate further.

NOW - so far everything appears above board. Those who know me personally are, I hope, imagining me approaching this area almost academically. But no matter how high you think my intentions are, the very concept of avatar based chat rooms evokes a very sinister image...

The Internet chat room has been seen as the traditional home of pedophiles, pornographers and preteens who seem eager to appear on the sides of milk cartons or crime watch programs. After all, what normal thinking adult would want to dress up in some virtual costume and chat up strangers? Any foray into this area will show that the conversations tend to be puerile, base and often racist and soul destroying. Satre might have said HELL is other people, it is especially true of most chat room conversations.

I have tried to be delicate but this is what comes to mind...

PLEASE note!

I am not that man in the picture above. But I am the sort who likes to email. I like to write long letters and have maintained a hand written correspondence with friends, old workmates and relatives over the years. I'm verbose by nature. Its in the blood. Getting started with IMVU is not difficult but a few precautions are a good idea. I run spyware and viral checks regularly and dont use a real world photo or my actual name. The set up itself is fairly simple - you chose your user name and general appearance and you get free introductory credits to which you can invest in your avatar by buying different clothes, items and what not. There are three standard scenes - a coffee shop, a fairground wheel and a darkly lit rooftop straight out of Gotham. In the adjacent picture, you can see me looking all dark and brooding. I am also clutching a book - an old habit I picked up as an undergraduate so as to appear "intellectual". As you can see, it actually makes me look like a prat. I can say that now, but it took me three years before I realised that was the effect.

You can buy extra scenes, clothing and even pets. I suppose it all depends upon what sort of impression you want to give or perhaps you like that sort of thing. It's like playing with dolls or an action man when you were a child. But I'm basically cheap and although I can find the time to do all that while playing "The Sims 2", I'm not about to fork over my credit card for the same service here. That is why I'm stuck looking like Harry Potters older but unhip older brother. So it goes...

After the first few attempts, it became obvious that 90% of the users were ambi-curious. There were girls named "naughtyteen", "2hot_2touch" or "reelslutie15" and they tended to start the conversation by mentioning their age or their virtual looks. Avoiding them, I tried to strike up conversations with (hopefully) like minded individuals... ...who were all very thin on the ground. What struck me as odd was the huge amount of male avatars looking for "female" avatars. Sure, in real life us guys can be very superficial but in a virtual environment where a 70 year old ex-con can pretend to be a 16 year old vixen, judging solely on looks beggars belief.

On my second day, I was starting to get paranoid. You'd exchange pleasantries only to be asked "A/S/L". On one occasion the person cried "I hate Scots" and on another "I want pussy" and logged off. This was certainly not the Electronic Global Community I was looking for. Soon I suspected everyone.

By the third day, I had found a few very friendly people and we talked about culture, politics and popular myths. My optimism regards Humanity returned. Then I ran into a slew of sex mad avatars! One got angry because I hadn't commented on their homepage - I checked it out and there was a picture of a really rough girl drinking vodka in a miniskirt. I fled only to run into another - this time touting for avatar on avatar touching. EEK! My dream of utopia was dissolving into the pixalated version of Sodom and Gomorrah. There is still hope, a few glimmers but the vast majority of users are mere chaf. Although I do accept I'm no great catch myself.

Perhaps I was becoming over sensitive but there is something VERY disturbing about chatting with a complete stranger who has chosen to appear as a living barbie doll and is adamant that they will flirt with you at all costs. It's a little like being mugged by a transvestite with 12 o'clock shadow but not as interesting.

But wait! It can't be that bad? True, it isn't. In my brief digital wanderings, I have come across a few nice people. Perhaps they are evil perverts pretending to be nice, but I doubt it. There are a number of friendly folk who are just playing around with the system, either with their friends and family or else just looking for someone to talk to.

Now sometimes you bump into people who seem actually interested in talking but because they have had to be confronted by half a dozen crazy people, the conversation is a little stilted. Imagine, if you like, being a stand up comic at a Rape Councilors convention and you get the picture. Thus I am not entirely convinced that you could find a best friend or, dare I say, future beloved solely through the Internet, but it is still an interesting and enjoyable world into which you can share banter and interests. So the jury is still out.

A FEW WEEKS LATER...

Well I went off the deep end and uninstalled IMVU from my system and ran away screaming! The problem was that your avatar always looked like some damn horny "Bratz" doll and I suspect most users use it as an electronic version of hanging around school yards. Certainly some user homepages seemed to have that in mind and I'm surprised that they were not pulled from the system. The other downer was a number of racist and sometimes sexist users who seemed to think that IMVU was an apt forum to spill their vitriol into. So despite a few very interesting and pleasant individuals, the whole thing was just poison to the soul.

There was also one other thing that, like the final nail in the proverbial coffin, persuaded me to end my very brief dalliance with IMVU. My sister and a few others from University noted my blog comment on IMVU and decided to hunt me out. Despite not knowing each other, all three did exactly the same; pretended to be strangers who thought my homepage was "cool" and wanted a chat. The fact that I could not differentiate them from a few "crazies" who had started leaving very strange private messages on my homepage, just showed that despite all its graphic sophistication, it was still just a chat room into which very little meaningful or accurate information could be transmitted. If a suspicious guy like me found it uncomfortable - what must a daily existence in the strange world of IMVU really be like and what does it say about the type of individual who prefers to hang around its virtual hangout joints than in the real world?

Here is a link to a YOUTUBE vid cap featuring Dave Chapelle and what the "Internet" life would be like if it were real. CLICKY HERE.

impressions - Amazon Angst.

Previously I have complained about Ebay, not so much the web site itself, but the barmy way the various users buy and sell their goods. It was a good natured ribbing as I have only heard a few stories of fraudulent behavior which was dealt efficiently. So I continue to use Ebay from time to time despite the occasional eccentricity!

Why am I banging on about it again? Well this time I want to talk to you about Amazon, that great on-line dealer in electronics, books and other fun items. Unlike Ebay, which is a sort of junk shop filled with like minded individuals, Amazon is a more standard on-line retail provider. I’ve used them for books, games (your guaranteed they are not copies) and some low end electronics. You do a search for what you want; you pop it into your virtual basket and then sort out delivery and payment. Then all you do is to wait for the postman and you get your goodies. Hurrah!

Now I have said that I was introduced to Ebay at work. Part of my duties was to monitor searches, contact dealers and help sort out delivery and feedback. I also had to sell some low grade antique items and took photos, set up the page and dealt with general enquiries. It went smoothly and there were few hiccups but both buyer and seller were amateurs and so small delays were expected. So when I eventually started to use Amazon I liked the fact that they maintained their stock so you knew what they had and you were confident that you could buy what you wanted, when you wanted it.

But only recently, since I’ve used Amazon.co.uk has suppliers in Europe and the United Kingdom so that shatters that theory. In my email account there are innumerate emails expressing apologies for the delay and I have even received about 35 pounds in gift vouchers as recompense.

My recent order for two text books and a South American collection of Short Stories was expected to be delivered in a weeks time but when that time came up, I got an email saying the delivery had been pushed back a further 2 to 3 weeks! I’m not annoyed as payment has not been deducted, but it is still galling that this is a repeating problem.

I’m sure the reason is that I seek to purchase obscure literature, specialized text books and avoid the plebian tastes has a part to play in this. Dan Brown is in near constant demand as are Madonna albums, so there must be case loads of the stuff in warehouses around Britain. I doubt that my interests solicit such a loyal following and so the infrastructure isn’t in place to make sure my demand is met as quick. And yet saying that, it does not assuage my disappointment as when I place my order, the display window for the items claim a quick delivery which I know, through long experience, will not be met. That aside, I am still a loyal customer of Amazon… until I am made aware of a better service provider. Such is the way of things.

impressions - Ebay Anger.

There has been an uneasy relationship between myself and the virtual marketplace that is Ebay. I came to Ebay quite late in the day, sometime after it had already entered the public consciousness and seeped into popular culture. In fact I had mistaken Ebay for a retro-graphic site that had made a spoof version of Ebay so I imagined it as a more complicated version of an internet chat room. This error was only corrected about four years ago when I started working in a small Edinburgh antique shop whose ground floor was very stuffy, hot and dusty while the basement was cold, damp and prone to flooding. It also was famed for having the second worse toilet in Edinburgh, but I digress. My then employer was a fan of Ebay and used it to scout for all sorts of stuff and was quick to make a profit from it with little bother.

Since those dark days, I have bought an awfully lot of tat but have also sold some of my more useless junk to pack rats around the globe. I shall not reveal to you my Ebay identity name or even what my feedback number happens to be although I am proud to say that I have had no negative or even neutral feedback.

Now I assume that you are aware of the mechanics of Ebay. If you are one of those rare few who have not visited the site then all you need know is that it is not so much an electronic supermarket but an electronic car boot sale. A real car boot sale is often dirty, disorganized and possibly illegal unlike Ebay – after all it uses a sophisticated Boolean search engine so you can easily find that pirated copy of “Debby Does Dallas”.

Now since Ebay is one of the most popular internet sites, why am I going on about it on this small pedantic web blog of mine? Good question and one that I won’t answer but I will say that I have this love / hate relationship with it and it is that which I want to talk to you about today.

When I stumbled into this virtual arena of buyers and sellers, it felt like I had found the Mother of all curiosity shops into which I could search for all those strange and obscure items my imagination could invent reasons for me to purchase.

While my old boss bought art nouveau lighting, glass ware and difficult to find documents, I bought comics, assorted cigarette cards and reproduction photographs of 1920’s beauty pageants. Money well worth spent!

Now the reason I find that I have to wax lyrical and vent my spleen at the same time is as follows; some twit outbid me on a much needed book. In fact this was the second time I had been outbid and that both bids were illogical – they were willing to pay over the retail price (not including the overly exaggerated postage cost) for a second hand item. A quick search showed the same book on sale as new for less than there bid. So what was the logic behind that? In fact there has been similar nonsensical behavior, such as when one auction saw a small bidding war with the price being driven up while an identical item with a similar description and seller attracted no bidding at all. I am sure that if you are familiar with Ebay then you will have your own examples, perhaps even taking part in such extreme behavior yourself? I can well understand how internet buying can draw people in – but that still does not excuse stupid behavior!

So please take these words under advisement; think before you go crazy and click that mouse button!!! After all is that rusty Tonka Toy, Latoya CD or oversized Manchester United t-shirt really worth all that money? Let some other sucker forsake their hard earned cash in their endless pursuit of useless tat. Also spare a thought for the hapless student who needs to buy hard to find text books, out of print reference material and assorted documents.

Be seeing you… through the wrong side of the looking glass! Ha Ha Ha.

Wondrous Things - The Mazinga Z Model.

Why Wondrous things? It is a section of blog entries dealing with the strange "stuff" one finds oneself attached to. I may be in error but I think that the late Angela Carter once wrote about a sort of existential special room that we create for ourselves, which is filled with memories and objects as we pass through life. What would you find in mine?

Many years ago, when I was about twelve, I had a rather puritan turn of mind. All the baddies I read about in books or comics were ultimately defeated by their obsession with “stuff”. In all the great stories, the heroes were the ones able to cast aside their assumptions or desires for a “greater good” while the baddies were hamstrung by their venal obsessions and habits. Terms like “commercialism” and “consumerism” where, back in those heady days of Hippy idealism, were considered dirty words. So I imagined that my future self would mirror this ideal. That I would live an austere life and concentrate on "real" things like personal enlightenment, independence of will and self-sufficiency. I would not be as foolish as to become overly attached to material possessions and would live an uncluttered life. Perhaps not Spartan or austere, but a lifestyle definitely minimalist in application and a life suited to purpose and direction without the mess of nick knacks, gonks or pointless collections. The popularist Desmond Morris noted that our need to decorate our home environment is tantamount to urinating so as to mark our territory.

The road to hell is littered with good intentions and I ended up quite the opposite. I am a bit of a pack rat and have amassed a small collection of pointless stuff that I know is without any intrinsic worth but still appear as needful things in my daily habit.

A word in my own defense is the fact that it has been my experience that some of the most tidy rooms and desks have belonged to the most boring, unimaginative and bland people I have ever met!

-o0o-

A "MAZINGA - Z" ROBOT

When I lived in Australia, my father worked for long periods away from home. He would be away for a month or so and would return with his bags full of all sorts of goodies from his travels. One thing that I really liked and became almost a tradition was his buying me various die-cast Japanese toys. He would arrive and I would follow him around like a puppy dog, until he came to unpacking his bag upon which he would slowly reveal the presents he had bought for us all. One day he brought back a few strange packages that he had bought in Japan. I had never seen anything like them up to that point and the boxes were printed in this intense futuristic manner with Japanese splashed along the sides beside dramatic pictures of the toy in action. These strange looking figures were so alien and different that they certainly put my old Dinky toys of delivery vans and airplanes in their place!

One of my early favorites was a metal Super Mazinger robot. It had red wings, a black body and shot its fists at a press of the button. I kept the toy with me for years and my attachment grew when we moved to the Philippines and I found that the television showed a host of badly translated Japanese robot cartoons. On a Tuesday afternoon (I think) they showed the original Mazinger Z and it blew my ten year old mind.

Anyway, while I was staying in Malaysia for a short while, I walked into a model shop and found an almost one foot tall Mazinger Z which instantly compelled me to buy. I suspect that I had not got used to their currency and so any frugality was automatically shortcircuited in my mind. But the figure was so iconic that it was a "must have" moment! That also explains why the robot is still on my shelf, looking over my desk and can be seen while I type this out on my computer.

I am not sure what happened to my original die-cast "Super Mazinga" robot. All I recall was that around the late 1980's he had lost his rocket arms, his winged jet pack and his black paint has started to peel. He looked like he had been in the wars - which I guess was true as he had been involved in many childish campaigns of the imagination. He had faced off giant monsters, explored the ocean depths and been thrown through the endless bounds of Space. But all childish things are imperminent and are soon cast aside and forgotten - almost forgotten. That is why I have a "collectable" Mazinga - Z robot model. Although if it was suposed to be "collectable", I would have kept it in its original packaging, but where would the fun be in that?

I have seen a few copies of the original comic and the cartoon was very much a faithful reproduction that captured the imagination of legions of school children around the world. A quick search on the internet shows that the program was translated and broadcasted in South America, most of the Mediterranean such a Spain and Italy as well as in the Middle East and much of Asia. Curiously it made little impact in Northern Europe and Anime didnt really become popular there until the 1980's, particularly with the advent of the Transformers and Go-bot marketed toy phenomenon.

The cartoon itself was quite basic with Dr. Hell and his army of evil robots being the usual generic crackpot baddies familiar to many comic shows. The design of the robot was rather basic. The hero would fly his hover plane into the head of the robot and activate it. It could emit rays from its chest crest, fire its rocket arms and what not. It could not fly and much of the earlier background story had the hero trying to prove the scientists wrong by getting him to fly.

The standard story convention for Mazinger Z and, for that matter, most subsequent Japanese Giant robot cartoons was as follows; The baddies introduce their new robot champion, the robot goes and destroys something and usually catches the goodies by surprise. The hero robot is defeated but manages to escape. Que some rigourous soul searching, researching a new weapon or discovering the one weakness of the evil robot. There is another fight and the hero destroys the bad robot. The baddies are forced to retreat, vowing to return. The hero has learned a valuable lesson. Harah! But despite the cliché, each episode was enormous fun and I remember the series fondly. This structure evolved into the standard template that became de rigour for future giant robot cartoons and can still be seen in the scripting by numbers story lines of the endlessly repetative episodes of the much later but less original Power Rangers or Pokemon cartoons. I suspect that the popularity of those derivitive programs was because the consumer didn't know any better and the Pokemon card game was an obvious "cash for trash" ploy aimed at impressionable children and their parents disposable income! Don't get me started about that bugbear!

For those who missed this fantastic cartoon, or if you remember it and want to be reminded, here is the introduction to the first season.

Mazinger-Z intro. This is from about 1976/7.

Now the main theme music to both Mazinger Z and its upgraded brother Great Mazinger would both make great drunken karaoke songs! You want proof? Well here it is through the glory that is Youtube;

Mazinger Z Opening Theme Song - includes some original clips as well.

Great Mazinger Opening Theme Song (Live) - sung by the original performer Ichirou Mizuki who seems to own a special red frock coat for such robot themed events.

Although I only knew enough Japanese to get myself to the toilet (but not back again), I could sing the Mazinga Z song by heart! After all the years that have passed since then, I may no longer be able to sing that song but when hear it, I still get that shiver of excitement!

But I must confess, although I fondly remember the Mazinger Z cartoon and as a grown man have a model of it on my shelf , Mazinger Z was not my favorite show. That goes to DAIMOS and VOLTES V. Both were made a few years later and the quality of the animation was generally better. Yet with that in mind, there will always be a special place for Mazinger Z in the heart of this particular Fan Boy.That is why my Mazinger Z reproduction statuette retains its pride of place on my bookcase.